Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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