Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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