i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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