What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
