it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
