nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
