I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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