just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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