Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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