I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We left an ass print on the piano.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
