I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
