Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
