Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
