When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
