I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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