There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
