If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
