She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
