***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
