If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
