Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
