I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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