Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
