just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
