If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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