I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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