He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
