I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
