Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
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I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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