Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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