Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
