Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
