i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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