seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
