Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
