I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
