Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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