Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
