If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
