I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
