my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
