And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i love accidental penises.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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