Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
