i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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