Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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