Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
