If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
