I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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