I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
