I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Maybe he injected his testicle?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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