What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
