it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
