I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
