can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
