Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
