Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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