she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
