she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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