My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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