oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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