Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
